1 00:00:02,599 --> 00:00:05,232 "The elephant teacher smiled at the zebra. 2 00:00:05,266 --> 00:00:09,068 'Of course you can come into my jungle classroom,' she said. 3 00:00:09,103 --> 00:00:13,139 And that's how the zebra learned to read." 4 00:00:13,173 --> 00:00:17,043 All right. Your water's here. 5 00:00:17,839 --> 00:00:19,656 Mr. Bear's water is here. 6 00:00:19,690 --> 00:00:23,193 Your clothes are laid out for the entire week. 7 00:00:23,227 --> 00:00:25,445 No judgement ... my love is unconditional. 8 00:00:25,496 --> 00:00:28,815 What do you say, little man? Should we go to sleep? 9 00:00:28,850 --> 00:00:29,966 Can I have another foot rub? 10 00:00:30,001 --> 00:00:33,303 - That's enough stalling. - What's "stalling"? 11 00:00:34,405 --> 00:00:37,724 - Uh... how do you explain stalling? - He knows what stalling is. 12 00:00:39,075 --> 00:00:42,762 - I forget again. - Let's close our eyes and go to sleep. 13 00:00:42,797 --> 00:00:47,100 - I'm gonna count down from 10. - Ooh, count down from 500. 14 00:00:48,786 --> 00:00:51,504 500... 15 00:00:51,539 --> 00:00:53,740 499... 16 00:00:53,774 --> 00:00:58,278 498... 17 00:00:58,312 --> 00:01:00,296 497... 18 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:04,074 Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org 19 00:01:13,093 --> 00:01:16,762 He's getting better. That was pretty quick. 20 00:01:16,796 --> 00:01:20,866 - Sweetie, he's made you his bitch. - I'm pretty sure I did it to myself. 21 00:01:20,901 --> 00:01:24,286 Hey. First one to the living room gets to pick the show. 22 00:01:28,325 --> 00:01:30,075 Hey! Stop it! 23 00:01:30,126 --> 00:01:31,677 No. Shh! 24 00:01:32,679 --> 00:01:34,330 I think I heard something. 25 00:01:35,081 --> 00:01:37,783 - Sucker! - Hey! That's not fair! 26 00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:43,946 1x02 - Cold File 27 00:01:49,014 --> 00:01:52,174 sync and correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~ 28 00:01:52,424 --> 00:01:54,766 Okay, whoever eats their fruit is my favorite child. 29 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,267 - There you go, man. - Uh, hey, Dad. 30 00:01:56,302 --> 00:01:57,918 I have a hangnail. Can you, um... 31 00:01:57,937 --> 00:02:00,638 - Oh, I'll get the clippers. - I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. 32 00:02:00,689 --> 00:02:03,090 I got it. Okay, on three. 33 00:02:03,108 --> 00:02:05,526 - One... two! Oh! - Aah! 34 00:02:05,561 --> 00:02:07,312 You didn't even make it to three. 35 00:02:07,363 --> 00:02:08,363 - You never make it to three. - I didn't make it to three. 36 00:02:08,397 --> 00:02:10,598 Two's... before that. 37 00:02:10,616 --> 00:02:13,601 Oh, hey. Whose, uh ... whose fancy headband's this? 38 00:02:13,619 --> 00:02:14,968 Those are mine. 39 00:02:14,981 --> 00:02:17,584 Oh! Red thong ... so classy. 40 00:02:17,740 --> 00:02:20,625 - Dad, can you please do my necklace? - Oh, I'll do it. 41 00:02:20,659 --> 00:02:21,993 Oh, I got it. I got it. I got it. 42 00:02:22,044 --> 00:02:26,164 - Dad, what's a thong? - Oh, it's, uh, underwear 43 00:02:26,215 --> 00:02:27,548 for people who don't want panty lines. 44 00:02:27,583 --> 00:02:29,167 Oh, well, why wouldn't you want panty lines? 45 00:02:29,218 --> 00:02:32,887 - 'Cause it's not sexy. - Whoo! Sexy time! 46 00:02:32,921 --> 00:02:34,121 'Cause you guys like to have ... 47 00:02:34,139 --> 00:02:37,976 And thus ends our morning underwear Q and A. 48 00:02:38,010 --> 00:02:40,294 Right. Yep. Of course. 49 00:02:40,312 --> 00:02:42,397 - Dad, please just sign my permission slips? - Yeah. 50 00:02:42,431 --> 00:02:43,564 - Oh, I can do it. Yes. - I got it. I got it. 51 00:02:43,599 --> 00:02:44,816 - You are not a parent. - I know. Mm-hmm. 52 00:02:44,850 --> 00:02:46,985 When you're done with that, I-I need five bucks. 53 00:02:47,019 --> 00:02:49,737 - For what? - For an investment. 54 00:02:49,772 --> 00:02:51,305 - Oh, can I wear my ... - An investment? 55 00:02:51,323 --> 00:02:52,973 - Can I wear my shin guards to school? - What are you investing in? 56 00:02:52,992 --> 00:02:55,142 - Investment stuff. - Can I wear my ... 57 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:56,861 Anybody needs me, I'll just... 58 00:02:56,912 --> 00:02:59,030 - Can I wear... - just give me a shout. 59 00:02:59,081 --> 00:03:01,032 - Text me. Tweet me. - I-I actually smelled you making that up. 60 00:03:01,083 --> 00:03:02,834 - I will. I will. - Put them on. - There's a fire. 61 00:03:02,868 --> 00:03:04,151 - Help me. - I want seven back in a week. 62 00:03:04,169 --> 00:03:07,038 - Look, there's an eagle! - Can I wear my shin guards to school? 63 00:03:07,089 --> 00:03:08,840 Okay. 64 00:03:14,797 --> 00:03:15,763 Hey. 65 00:03:15,798 --> 00:03:17,932 Ooh! All right ... shower police! 66 00:03:17,966 --> 00:03:19,267 Ma'am, you want to step inside? 67 00:03:19,301 --> 00:03:21,519 The word is, you haven't been washing your boobs very well. 68 00:03:21,553 --> 00:03:23,337 No, I'm not here for shower police. 69 00:03:23,355 --> 00:03:26,190 Had to give it a try ... miss 100% of the shots you never take. 70 00:03:26,225 --> 00:03:29,027 - What's up? - Just feeling a little un-needed lately. 71 00:03:29,061 --> 00:03:30,561 Well, the shower police need you. 72 00:03:30,612 --> 00:03:31,813 - By the kids. - I see. 73 00:03:31,847 --> 00:03:34,699 We're having a real conversation about real things. 74 00:03:34,733 --> 00:03:36,901 What's up? 75 00:03:36,952 --> 00:03:39,120 You know, I've been living here for almost a year 76 00:03:39,154 --> 00:03:42,373 and I just feel like I'm... more of a roommate than a parent. 77 00:03:42,408 --> 00:03:45,543 Like some weird craigslist roommate that everyone politely ignores. 78 00:03:45,577 --> 00:03:48,129 Oh, that's not true. Hillary's rude to you sometimes. 79 00:03:48,163 --> 00:03:51,049 I just feel like you just do everything and then there's nothing left for me to do. 80 00:03:51,083 --> 00:03:52,750 Why should you have to deal with my stuff? 81 00:03:52,801 --> 00:03:55,803 It's my job. I'm their Dad. I'm the crap-master. 82 00:03:55,838 --> 00:03:57,588 But I could be assistant crap-master. 83 00:03:57,639 --> 00:03:59,253 You want more crap? I'll give you more crap. 84 00:03:59,303 --> 00:04:00,975 Yes. All I want is more crap. 85 00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:06,247 All right! 86 00:04:06,281 --> 00:04:08,982 Killer bees, huddle up. Bring it in! Bring it in! 87 00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,784 Lot of good stuff today. 88 00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:12,185 Great spirit. 89 00:04:12,219 --> 00:04:13,186 - Yeah! - Yeah! 90 00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:15,188 You guys ... you guys love to cheer. 91 00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:17,023 Uh, couple of things to think about ... 92 00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:20,193 in general, let's ... let's make it a goal 93 00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:23,930 to not sit down as much during a scrimmage. 94 00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:25,597 - Yay! - Yay! 95 00:04:25,631 --> 00:04:27,599 Also, uh, go to the bathroom ... 96 00:04:27,633 --> 00:04:31,603 very important ... before practice, okay? 97 00:04:31,637 --> 00:04:36,608 And, Ian, if you do need to go during practice, just, please, leave the field, okay? 98 00:04:36,642 --> 00:04:38,610 Coach Duane, anything you want to add? 99 00:04:38,644 --> 00:04:41,345 I think my wife is having an affair with my brother. 100 00:04:41,379 --> 00:04:42,847 - Yay! - Yay! 101 00:04:42,881 --> 00:04:45,382 All right. Uh, bring it in. 102 00:04:45,417 --> 00:04:47,384 Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! 103 00:04:47,419 --> 00:04:48,886 All right. 104 00:04:48,921 --> 00:04:52,957 Hey, uh, maybe a little less sharing with the kids. 105 00:04:52,991 --> 00:04:56,560 Look at you ... doing stuff. 106 00:04:56,594 --> 00:04:58,494 - Yeah. It's exciting, right? - Yeah. 107 00:04:58,529 --> 00:05:01,581 You know, half these kids can't eat peanuts, and the other 108 00:05:01,582 --> 00:05:04,634 half only eat peanuts, so, one wrong bite, half the team dies. 109 00:05:04,668 --> 00:05:06,669 Oh, it's just orange slices and water. 110 00:05:06,704 --> 00:05:08,504 W-well, there's one kid who can't have oranges. 111 00:05:08,539 --> 00:05:10,673 His parents have some issues with Florida. 112 00:05:10,708 --> 00:05:13,008 And that kid with the shorty-shorts 113 00:05:13,043 --> 00:05:16,482 can't have any water, 'cause he's overhydrated. 114 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:17,579 Hey, Pete? 115 00:05:17,613 --> 00:05:19,592 Stay strong, man. 116 00:05:19,669 --> 00:05:20,816 - Yeah? - Come here. 117 00:05:20,851 --> 00:05:23,652 - What's up? - Can you keep Bert tonight? 118 00:05:23,686 --> 00:05:25,721 'Cause my Tai Chi class is doing a pub crawl. 119 00:05:25,755 --> 00:05:28,324 Uh, I could, but I got a client dinner. 120 00:05:28,358 --> 00:05:30,992 I'm not gonna be back until way after his bedtime. 121 00:05:31,026 --> 00:05:32,227 - Pete... - I can put him to bed. 122 00:05:34,429 --> 00:05:35,663 I saw that look. 123 00:05:35,697 --> 00:05:38,066 - I can't even have a look? - Come on. I can do it. 124 00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:40,935 I mean, I've seen Pete put him to bed a thousand times. 125 00:05:40,970 --> 00:05:42,770 I've been to the ATM like a thousand times. 126 00:05:42,804 --> 00:05:45,038 Doesn't mean I have a clue what's in my bank account. 127 00:05:45,073 --> 00:05:47,374 I think one of us should stay home. 128 00:05:47,408 --> 00:05:50,385 Is it gonna be you or is it gonna be me? Is it an important client? 129 00:05:50,420 --> 00:05:52,486 Ooh ... Is it gonna affect my alimony? 130 00:05:52,521 --> 00:05:55,447 Jackie, Kate's right. She wants to do it, she can do it. 131 00:05:57,017 --> 00:05:59,652 What was that look? 132 00:05:59,686 --> 00:06:01,654 That was a weird look. From now on, new rule ... 133 00:06:01,688 --> 00:06:03,621 everyone says everything out loud. 134 00:06:09,612 --> 00:06:11,547 Warren, I want to watch TV, okay? Move your feet. 135 00:06:11,581 --> 00:06:14,583 - Hey! No eating on the couch! - When Mom's not here, I eat where I want. 136 00:06:14,617 --> 00:06:17,752 - Now move your gross feet. - Gross feet? That was very mean. 137 00:06:17,786 --> 00:06:20,521 - Apologize to my feet. - Never. 138 00:06:20,556 --> 00:06:22,957 Okay, then I'm just gonna have to take your snacks. 139 00:06:22,991 --> 00:06:24,892 Feet! Confiscate snacks! 140 00:06:24,927 --> 00:06:26,627 Foot snacks! Jerk, get your feet off my salsa! 141 00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:30,932 Oh, my god. 142 00:06:32,133 --> 00:06:33,800 - What's up, studly? - Dad, uh... 143 00:06:33,834 --> 00:06:36,302 me and Hillary spilled salsa on Mom's white couch. 144 00:06:36,336 --> 00:06:39,305 Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh! 145 00:06:39,339 --> 00:06:41,140 What do we do? 146 00:06:42,342 --> 00:06:45,645 Dad? Be serious, okay? 147 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:47,213 What are we supposed to do? 148 00:06:47,247 --> 00:06:49,583 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're calling your father for advice. 149 00:06:49,617 --> 00:06:52,285 Here's my advice ... run away. 150 00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:55,588 Hello? 151 00:06:55,622 --> 00:06:57,990 Poor kids. 152 00:06:58,024 --> 00:06:59,158 We're screwed. 153 00:06:59,193 --> 00:07:01,660 Mom loves to punish us in those twisted ways. 154 00:07:01,695 --> 00:07:03,963 I know ... a-and remember that one time I wouldn't stop picking 155 00:07:03,964 --> 00:07:06,232 my nose and so she ... she put that dog cone collar on me? 156 00:07:06,266 --> 00:07:07,733 She cannot find out about this. 157 00:07:07,767 --> 00:07:11,904 Wait. Wait. She won't! 158 00:07:13,707 --> 00:07:16,041 Oh, my god! 159 00:07:19,012 --> 00:07:21,780 - Oh! Check it! - Genius. 160 00:07:21,815 --> 00:07:24,115 Okay, as long as we keep a united front, we'll be fine. 161 00:07:24,149 --> 00:07:25,249 Hey, guys. 162 00:07:25,283 --> 00:07:27,418 - Hey, Mom! - How was your day? 163 00:07:27,452 --> 00:07:28,853 It was great. 164 00:07:28,887 --> 00:07:30,187 Hey, Hillary. Let's get out of here. 165 00:07:30,222 --> 00:07:31,956 - Bye, Mom! - Bye, Mom! 166 00:07:38,230 --> 00:07:42,099 "I'm not afraid of your breath, and he gave the dragon a kiss. 167 00:07:42,133 --> 00:07:46,637 And that's how the dragon learned to love." 168 00:07:46,671 --> 00:07:48,471 Okeydokey. 169 00:07:48,506 --> 00:07:50,273 We've got your water ... check. 170 00:07:50,307 --> 00:07:52,943 Mr. Bear's water ... check. 171 00:07:52,977 --> 00:07:55,177 I see you've made some changes to your wardrobe for the week, 172 00:07:55,211 --> 00:07:56,679 which I totally respect. 173 00:07:56,713 --> 00:08:01,984 And now it's time to close your eyes and go to sleep. 174 00:08:02,019 --> 00:08:06,656 - And I'll count you down from 10. - How about from a billion? 175 00:08:08,224 --> 00:08:12,260 - I don't know how to count that high. - How about from a million? 176 00:08:13,462 --> 00:08:18,299 Okay. A million... 177 00:08:21,771 --> 00:08:23,304 Hi. 178 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:50,362 - Bert? - Hi! Are we playing a game? 179 00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:51,698 No. 180 00:08:52,599 --> 00:08:56,535 - I'm still awake. - Why? 181 00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:58,037 Hey, guys. Snack's ready. 182 00:08:58,072 --> 00:09:00,706 - Just act cool. - I always do. 183 00:09:00,740 --> 00:09:03,041 Oh, Mom, you look ravishing. 184 00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:04,776 Oh. Why, thank you, sweetheart. 185 00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:08,779 Okay, guys, dig in. I made quesadillas. 186 00:09:10,615 --> 00:09:14,251 Okay. Any other topping suggestions? 187 00:09:14,285 --> 00:09:18,055 - S-sour ... sour cream. - Chocolate. 188 00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:20,791 - Relish. - Uh, mustard? 189 00:09:22,427 --> 00:09:24,627 Relish. 190 00:09:24,661 --> 00:09:28,798 I was thinking of something just a little more picante. 191 00:09:28,833 --> 00:09:31,701 I know ... how about some salsa? 192 00:09:31,736 --> 00:09:33,302 - Oh, yeah. Salsa ... right. - Salsa. 193 00:09:33,337 --> 00:09:36,106 We haven't had salsa in a while. Right, Hil? 194 00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:37,107 That's right, Warren. 195 00:09:37,141 --> 00:09:41,376 Aah. New bottle. Dig. 196 00:09:41,410 --> 00:09:43,712 - All right. - Oh! 197 00:09:43,747 --> 00:09:45,380 I almost forgot ... napkins, 198 00:09:45,414 --> 00:09:46,882 just in case one of us spills the salsa. 199 00:09:46,916 --> 00:09:48,083 Right. 200 00:09:48,118 --> 00:09:50,285 She knows. She never talks this much about salsa. 201 00:09:50,319 --> 00:09:51,620 Maybe she talks about salsa all the time, 202 00:09:51,654 --> 00:09:53,388 - but we're just noticing it now. - What?! 203 00:09:56,125 --> 00:09:57,424 Hey, dig in guys. 204 00:10:01,930 --> 00:10:04,298 The salsa is what makes it so good. 205 00:10:06,601 --> 00:10:08,402 It's been three hours. We're buddies, right? 206 00:10:08,436 --> 00:10:10,638 - I like you! - Okay, good. I like you, too. 207 00:10:10,672 --> 00:10:13,473 Now can you just please tell me, Berto. What can I do? 208 00:10:13,507 --> 00:10:17,043 - Sometimes I like "This little piggy." - Great. Perfect. 209 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:21,148 This little piggy went to market. 210 00:10:21,182 --> 00:10:23,516 And this little piggy stayed home. 211 00:10:23,550 --> 00:10:27,187 And this little piggy... went to Pilates. 212 00:10:27,221 --> 00:10:31,257 And this little piggy was like, "Bert, go to sleep!" 213 00:10:31,291 --> 00:10:34,760 That was all wrong. I'm even more awake now. 214 00:10:39,699 --> 00:10:40,866 I'll tell you what. 215 00:10:40,901 --> 00:10:44,270 Tonight, you're gonna fall asleep like I did when I was your age. 216 00:10:45,638 --> 00:10:48,373 I never get to watch TV in bed! 217 00:10:48,408 --> 00:10:50,342 I know. It'll be our little secret, okay? 218 00:10:50,376 --> 00:10:53,978 - Let's Pinky swear! - I like the way you roll. 219 00:10:54,013 --> 00:10:55,647 All right. 220 00:10:55,682 --> 00:10:56,981 Temperatures in the south will be 221 00:10:57,016 --> 00:10:58,550 dropping by tomorrow night. 222 00:10:58,584 --> 00:11:01,453 In sports, Los Angeles beat San Francisco to stay alive 223 00:11:01,454 --> 00:11:04,322 in the chase for the west, and Seattle lost to Texas 224 00:11:04,356 --> 00:11:06,357 despite Hernandez going eight innings... 225 00:11:06,391 --> 00:11:09,026 That's all for the nightly news at 11. 226 00:11:09,060 --> 00:11:11,995 From our family to yours, good night. 227 00:11:12,030 --> 00:11:15,999 Tonight, on "Cold File"... Mark Styman was 228 00:11:16,034 --> 00:11:19,235 a brilliant surgeon, but this surgeon had a secret. 229 00:11:19,269 --> 00:11:23,563 Dr. Mark Styman liked to steal uteruses. 230 00:11:31,481 --> 00:11:33,449 Hey, buddy. All right, time to get up. 231 00:11:33,483 --> 00:11:36,651 - The killer bees need their goalie. - I'm an all-star. 232 00:11:36,685 --> 00:11:39,321 Okay, right ... everybody's an all-star. 233 00:11:39,355 --> 00:11:41,189 Up. Come on. 234 00:11:41,224 --> 00:11:43,591 Oh, I'm tired. I slept bad. 235 00:11:43,625 --> 00:11:47,028 Shh! No, you didn't. Don't say that... to your Dad. 236 00:11:47,063 --> 00:11:49,097 Kate, could a doctor steal my uterus? 237 00:11:49,131 --> 00:11:52,432 Steal your uterus? What are you talking about? 238 00:11:52,467 --> 00:11:56,270 I saw it on "Cold File" last night after you fell asleep. 239 00:11:56,304 --> 00:11:57,471 Ooh, boy. 240 00:11:58,573 --> 00:12:00,841 Okay, listen, let's just keep it between us 241 00:12:00,876 --> 00:12:03,377 - with a Pinky swear? - Okay. 242 00:12:03,411 --> 00:12:04,378 Okay. Good. 243 00:12:04,412 --> 00:12:05,945 Hey, Bert! We gotta go! 244 00:12:06,747 --> 00:12:08,848 Hey. 245 00:12:08,883 --> 00:12:11,150 Just this once, you can have a sip of my coffee. 246 00:12:11,185 --> 00:12:13,119 - It'll wake you up. - Thanks. 247 00:12:20,327 --> 00:12:23,161 I feel better already. 248 00:12:23,196 --> 00:12:25,130 Oh, Bert. 249 00:12:25,164 --> 00:12:27,799 Okay. One last Pinky swear. 250 00:12:28,635 --> 00:12:31,904 - Hey, Bert! Let's go! Let's go! - Yeah, he's coming. 251 00:12:31,938 --> 00:12:34,439 You know how kids get sometimes in the morning. 252 00:12:34,474 --> 00:12:35,941 I was thinking about what you said yesterday 253 00:12:35,976 --> 00:12:39,276 about wanting to be more involved. You got Bert to sleep last night. 254 00:12:39,311 --> 00:12:42,046 I think you're ready for your next challenge. 255 00:12:42,081 --> 00:12:43,214 How would you like to assistant coach 256 00:12:43,248 --> 00:12:45,382 the losingest team in league history? 257 00:12:45,417 --> 00:12:48,720 Oh, Pete. I think I'm already doing so m... 258 00:12:48,754 --> 00:12:50,722 Don't worry. You're gonna hate it. 259 00:12:53,058 --> 00:12:54,190 What happened to coach Duane? 260 00:12:54,225 --> 00:12:56,559 Uh, he had a nervous breakdown. 261 00:12:56,594 --> 00:12:59,262 All right! Let's do this! 262 00:12:59,296 --> 00:13:01,098 Someone got a good night's sleep. 263 00:13:02,466 --> 00:13:04,267 Yep. Let's go. 264 00:13:07,471 --> 00:13:10,072 Ah, come dance with me, guys! 265 00:13:10,107 --> 00:13:12,574 Come on, Hil! 266 00:13:12,609 --> 00:13:16,278 Come on. All right, get ready to move your hips. 267 00:13:17,781 --> 00:13:20,783 Mm! What is this music? 268 00:13:20,817 --> 00:13:23,719 It's called... Salsa. 269 00:13:26,355 --> 00:13:29,223 Oh, my god. 270 00:13:29,258 --> 00:13:30,591 Warren. 271 00:13:34,363 --> 00:13:35,830 How did it go with Bert last night? 272 00:13:35,865 --> 00:13:37,832 - Did he say anything? - Nope. 273 00:13:37,867 --> 00:13:41,036 - Oh, it went great. - Oh, good. I'm so hung over. 274 00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:44,138 - Those Tai Chi ladies are surprisingly violent drinkers. - Oh. 275 00:13:44,172 --> 00:13:45,739 Bring it in! Bring it in, bees! 276 00:13:45,774 --> 00:13:47,240 Got to go ... new coach. 277 00:13:47,275 --> 00:13:49,442 - Oh, yeah? Oh, good luck. - Oh, thanks. 278 00:13:49,477 --> 00:13:50,944 Hey, you know, I coached the Zebras two years ago. 279 00:13:50,979 --> 00:13:54,581 - It was a mess. They kept kicking it out to the refs. - Great. 280 00:13:54,615 --> 00:13:57,917 You know what they say about husband/wife coaching teams. 281 00:13:59,219 --> 00:14:00,753 Gather 'round, gather 'round, huddle up. 282 00:14:00,788 --> 00:14:04,023 Special day ... I want to introduce you to coach Kate 283 00:14:04,058 --> 00:14:05,457 She lives in our house! 284 00:14:05,492 --> 00:14:07,160 She's gonna be helping us while coach Duane 285 00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:09,428 gets the help that he so desperately needs. 286 00:14:09,462 --> 00:14:12,098 Hi, guys. I'm super excited to be here. 287 00:14:12,132 --> 00:14:13,432 I-I love soccer, 288 00:14:13,466 --> 00:14:15,500 - and I love playing with little boys. - Bert. 289 00:14:15,534 --> 00:14:18,291 And... playing with little girls... as well. 290 00:14:18,326 --> 00:14:19,851 Guys, let's give her a big bees welcome. 291 00:14:20,539 --> 00:14:21,639 I'm the Sun! 292 00:14:21,674 --> 00:14:25,143 - Bert? - I'm the Moon! I'm Christmas! 293 00:14:25,178 --> 00:14:26,644 Bert, you want to ... you want to bring it in? 294 00:14:26,679 --> 00:14:28,146 - He's excited. - Rein it down a little bit. 295 00:14:28,181 --> 00:14:29,314 Okay, uh, like I was saying ... 296 00:14:29,348 --> 00:14:32,883 coach Kate is gonna be a valuable addition. Pair up, get a ball. 297 00:14:32,918 --> 00:14:34,885 - Will you check on Bert? He seems a little weird. - Yeah. 298 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:36,854 No, no ... probably just excited that I'm coaching. 299 00:14:36,888 --> 00:14:38,355 - Okay. - I got it. 300 00:14:38,389 --> 00:14:39,556 Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. Hey! 301 00:14:39,591 --> 00:14:41,892 Get over here. Get over here. Come here. 302 00:14:41,927 --> 00:14:45,062 Okay, listen ... I need you to tone it down a notch. 303 00:14:45,097 --> 00:14:46,562 I can taste my teeth! 304 00:14:46,597 --> 00:14:47,897 Okay. Shh! Don't say that. 305 00:14:47,932 --> 00:14:50,133 Okay, that's ... that's great. Just walk. 306 00:14:51,602 --> 00:14:52,702 Yes, ma'am. 307 00:14:57,908 --> 00:15:00,676 Why did you and Mom need to have a private conversation? 308 00:15:00,711 --> 00:15:02,845 She said if I was going to... to pee in her bathroom, 309 00:15:02,879 --> 00:15:06,081 - that I had to sit down. - She's getting to me. 310 00:15:06,116 --> 00:15:10,152 Okay, she's getting inside my head! Maybe I should just confess. 311 00:15:10,186 --> 00:15:11,186 No, don't ... look, united front. 312 00:15:11,221 --> 00:15:14,689 We're gonna be at Dad's tomorrow. You can make it until then. 313 00:15:14,724 --> 00:15:19,193 Hillary, I need to speak to you privately. 314 00:15:19,228 --> 00:15:21,129 Coming, mother. 315 00:15:40,782 --> 00:15:41,749 Remember, you ... 316 00:15:41,750 --> 00:15:43,683 - you're trying to keep them out of there. - Oh, man. 317 00:15:43,717 --> 00:15:46,153 - Pick up. - It's your house. Nobody comes in. 318 00:15:47,255 --> 00:15:50,389 Hey, bud, you want to try some standing up? 319 00:15:50,423 --> 00:15:53,358 - I need coffee. - Ha! Next thing you know, 320 00:15:53,393 --> 00:15:56,295 he'll be asking for the Wall Street Journal and a cheese Danish. 321 00:15:56,329 --> 00:15:57,629 Hey, what's going on with the Bertster? 322 00:15:57,664 --> 00:16:01,300 I don't know. Did he eat something weird last night? 323 00:16:01,334 --> 00:16:02,634 No, guys, I think he's fine. 324 00:16:02,669 --> 00:16:06,271 You know, let's ... let's get up, Bert, and show 'em what you got, all right? 325 00:16:06,305 --> 00:16:08,807 Come on. Here we go. Up you go. On your feet. 326 00:16:08,841 --> 00:16:10,975 - You got it, bud. Get up, bud. - You ready? Here we go. 327 00:16:11,010 --> 00:16:12,476 You got it, buddy. Ready? Ready? Here we go. 328 00:16:12,511 --> 00:16:16,480 Yeah! There's my all-star! All right, you ready for another one? 329 00:16:16,515 --> 00:16:18,549 Now, pick up the energy. Pick up the energy. 330 00:16:18,583 --> 00:16:20,885 Hands up! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! 331 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:21,919 Hands up! Let's go! Let's go! 332 00:16:21,687 --> 00:16:25,689 Ow! My uterus! 333 00:16:29,027 --> 00:16:30,327 - My ... my baby. - Oh, my god. 334 00:16:30,361 --> 00:16:32,029 He blocked it! 335 00:16:34,465 --> 00:16:35,565 Oh, Bert. 336 00:16:42,790 --> 00:16:45,657 You guys, I feel terrible. I am so sorry. 337 00:16:45,692 --> 00:16:48,459 Yeah, "sorry" isn't gonna reduce the swelling in my son's testicle. 338 00:16:48,494 --> 00:16:52,130 You act like you know everything, Kate, and you don't know anything. 339 00:16:52,165 --> 00:16:55,300 You know nothing about... anything. 340 00:16:56,235 --> 00:17:00,971 - So, I'm gonna tell you something ... - Jackie, Kate knows that she screwed up. 341 00:17:01,006 --> 00:17:03,140 Yeah ... no ... you screwed up. 342 00:17:03,175 --> 00:17:07,945 You ... I hope you can still be a grandpa after all of Bert's... this. 343 00:17:07,979 --> 00:17:10,681 I think Bert's "this" will be fine. 344 00:17:10,716 --> 00:17:12,349 I just wanted to do something to help, you know? 345 00:17:12,383 --> 00:17:13,684 I just wanted to be part of the family, 346 00:17:13,719 --> 00:17:16,286 and Pete gave me the chance, and I just ... I blew it. 347 00:17:16,321 --> 00:17:18,788 Yeah, you did, like... 348 00:17:18,823 --> 00:17:20,623 "No!" 349 00:17:20,657 --> 00:17:23,144 - Yeah ... real bad. - You know what? I am just ... 350 00:17:23,179 --> 00:17:24,722 I'm gonna go to the cafeteria and get something. 351 00:17:24,757 --> 00:17:26,029 - Do you want anything? - Oh, you know what? 352 00:17:26,063 --> 00:17:28,631 I bet that Bert would just love a triple espresso. 353 00:17:28,665 --> 00:17:32,135 You know, I have said it once, and I will say it again ... 354 00:17:32,169 --> 00:17:35,003 aside from me, I do not understand your taste in women. 355 00:17:35,038 --> 00:17:37,873 I think you need to cut her some slack. 356 00:17:37,907 --> 00:17:40,242 You remember when we got married? 357 00:17:40,276 --> 00:17:43,411 Barely. That open bar was fantastic. 358 00:17:43,446 --> 00:17:46,381 You remember how hard Diane was on you? 359 00:17:46,415 --> 00:17:49,383 You're acting like Diane. 360 00:17:49,417 --> 00:17:53,320 What? Like smart, no-nonsense, very accomplished? Oh, I get it. 361 00:17:53,355 --> 00:17:56,590 N-no, I mean, y-y-you're being hard on Kate. 362 00:17:56,625 --> 00:18:00,995 She's ... she's really trying. She loves our little guy. 363 00:18:01,029 --> 00:18:04,331 Mr. And Mrs. Harrison, you can see your son now. 364 00:18:04,366 --> 00:18:05,799 We don't have a son. 365 00:18:07,268 --> 00:18:08,334 Oh, honest mistake. 366 00:18:08,369 --> 00:18:11,371 Mr. And Mrs. Harrison, Bert is fine. You can see him now. 367 00:18:11,405 --> 00:18:13,439 - Great. Yes! - Do ... give him a tip. 368 00:18:13,474 --> 00:18:14,941 Hey, have you guys seen my phone? 369 00:18:14,976 --> 00:18:20,247 - No. - Warren! 370 00:18:21,314 --> 00:18:23,382 Please tell me you did this. 371 00:18:23,416 --> 00:18:27,352 Oh, yeah, I did that, 'cause I'm crazy. No! 372 00:18:27,387 --> 00:18:29,755 Oh, hey, guys. Do you want to watch a movie? 373 00:18:29,790 --> 00:18:32,091 I have rented "La Bamba." 374 00:18:32,125 --> 00:18:35,761 Okay! That's enough! Please, stop, okay? 375 00:18:35,796 --> 00:18:37,896 Why can't you just punish us like a normal parent? 376 00:18:37,930 --> 00:18:40,265 I wanted to tell you the whole time, I swear! 377 00:18:41,466 --> 00:18:42,867 Normal parents don't get results. 378 00:18:42,902 --> 00:18:45,703 - Are you ever going to eat on the sofa again? - No! - No! 379 00:18:45,737 --> 00:18:47,772 - Are you ever going to hide anything from me again? - No! - No! 380 00:18:47,807 --> 00:18:49,473 - Do you love me the most? - No! - Yes! 381 00:18:49,508 --> 00:18:53,376 I ... Sorry, I got caught up in all the NOs. 382 00:18:53,411 --> 00:18:56,166 - Yes, of course I love you the most. - Okay. 383 00:18:57,212 --> 00:18:58,715 - Give your Mom a hug. - Aww! 384 00:19:04,088 --> 00:19:07,257 You can ... go on in. 385 00:19:07,292 --> 00:19:08,991 Oh, it's okay, Jackie. I don't need to go in. 386 00:19:09,026 --> 00:19:11,660 Look, I know I got mad today. 387 00:19:11,695 --> 00:19:14,396 But deep down here, in my Jackie heart, 388 00:19:14,431 --> 00:19:17,786 I know that it's not easy being a new stepmom. 389 00:19:17,821 --> 00:19:21,000 I guess what I'm saying, Kate, is, we're kind of the same, right? 390 00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:23,806 Free spirits ... the souls of birds in people bodies. 391 00:19:23,841 --> 00:19:25,807 Oh, yeah. 392 00:19:25,842 --> 00:19:27,742 Well, t-thanks, Jackie. That's really sweet. 393 00:19:27,776 --> 00:19:30,278 But you don't need to let me go in. It's okay. 394 00:19:30,313 --> 00:19:31,947 Yeah, well, I'm not... 395 00:19:31,981 --> 00:19:34,349 letting you do anything, 'cause he wants you. 396 00:19:34,383 --> 00:19:35,951 - He does? - Yeah. 397 00:19:35,985 --> 00:19:37,953 Oh. Okay. Great. Well, then... 398 00:19:37,987 --> 00:19:39,955 Can you just ... I'm ... I'll just go in then. 399 00:19:39,989 --> 00:19:41,288 All right. 400 00:19:43,524 --> 00:19:45,326 - Kate! - Hey, buddy! 401 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:48,095 Oh, I'm so sorry... about that. 402 00:19:48,129 --> 00:19:50,030 I'm sorry I broke the Pinky swear. 403 00:19:50,065 --> 00:19:52,532 Oh, apology accepted. I'm more sorry. 404 00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:54,501 Actually, he invited you here for a very special reason. 405 00:19:54,535 --> 00:19:56,370 Will you do the piggies? 406 00:19:56,404 --> 00:19:57,905 - My piggies? - Yes! 407 00:19:57,940 --> 00:20:00,774 Of course! This little piggy went to the market. 408 00:20:00,808 --> 00:20:02,476 This little piggy stayed home. 409 00:20:02,510 --> 00:20:04,444 This little piggy went to the Hamptons. 410 00:20:04,479 --> 00:20:06,680 And this little piggy was, like, totally jealous. 411 00:20:06,714 --> 00:20:08,648 And this little piggy was like, 412 00:20:08,683 --> 00:20:10,884 "I don't care. I'm gonna go get a tongue piercing." 413 00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:12,486 It's still so wrong. 414 00:20:14,888 --> 00:20:18,875 And I want to apologize to you, because, um, you know, 415 00:20:18,876 --> 00:20:21,360 I should have told you that I was messing everything up. 416 00:20:21,395 --> 00:20:22,695 That's all right ... just, in the future, 417 00:20:22,729 --> 00:20:24,530 let's not keep things from each other, okay? 418 00:20:24,564 --> 00:20:26,899 That's what my ex-wives are for. 419 00:20:26,933 --> 00:20:29,368 Oh, Kate, it turns out I didn't hurt my uterus at all. 420 00:20:29,402 --> 00:20:31,161 That's because you don't have a uterus. 421 00:20:31,196 --> 00:20:35,139 - Remember, buddy? Girls do. - So... what's in my butt? 422 00:20:35,173 --> 00:20:37,842 - Butt stuff. - Uh-huh. 423 00:20:37,877 --> 00:20:40,177 Well, actually, there's a lot of things in your butt. 424 00:20:40,212 --> 00:20:42,547 - You know, if you think about it... - Butt stuff. 425 00:20:43,516 --> 00:20:46,083 Butt stuff. Yeah. 426 00:20:53,610 --> 00:20:55,695 Excuse me, sir?! 427 00:20:56,096 --> 00:20:57,780 Shower police? 428 00:20:57,814 --> 00:21:00,232 We got a report there's a man fitting your sexy 429 00:21:00,233 --> 00:21:02,650 description who's been hanging out in this shower. 430 00:21:02,685 --> 00:21:04,919 I'd like to come in and investigate. 431 00:21:04,954 --> 00:21:06,154 Okay! 432 00:21:08,691 --> 00:21:11,326 Kate! I need some orange juice! 433 00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,928 Not now, buddy!!! 434 00:21:13,963 --> 00:21:16,497 - Honey, he needs me. Isn't that great? - But I've been bad. 435 00:21:16,531 --> 00:21:19,100 I've been ... I've been... I'm bad. I'm very bad! 436 00:21:19,134 --> 00:21:20,734 I'll be back. I'll be right back. 437 00:21:22,404 --> 00:21:25,172 Never gonna happen. 438 00:21:26,172 --> 00:21:29,170 sync and correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~ 439 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,063 Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player 440 00:21:33,113 --> 00:21:37,663 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0